Brad Pitt and his brood. (Photo: Us Weekly)
This week, Brad Pitt took his kids on an early Easter egg hunt. It was a huge success, until they brought the eggs home and Angelina tried to fertilize them.
Last week, the blogs were aflutter with the news that Katy Perry’s Evangelical mother is trying to sell a book about her daughter’s sinful lifestyle, and it got us thinking about other parents who have displayed questionable judgment when it comes to their famous offspring. Read on for a roundup of Hollywood’s most notoriously unfit parents, from the Lohans to Joe Jackson.
Dina and Michael Lohan
With role models like these, it’s no wonder Lindsay “Lindsay” Lohan turned to drugs and alcohol just to stay afloat. Michael is the only Lohan who has a longer rap sheet than Lindsay, with charges ranging from insider trading to driving under the influence to attempted assault. And the only thing he does more frequently than talk to the press about Lindsay is booze. Meanwhile, Dina is desperate to be a pseudo-celebrity in her own right, and conceived that god-awful reality show ‘Living Lohan’ as a way to capitalize on her other potential cash cow, daughter Ali. She even invited a crew from ‘Entertainment Tonight’ to film the troubled Lindsay while she was in drug rehab. Parents of the year these two losers aren’t. Read more…
Susan Lucci (left) is super old. (Photo via Television Without Pity)
ABC has announced possible plans to cancel its long-running soap opera All My Children. A rep for star Susan Lucci confirms that the actress is looking forward to pursuing other projects, like making sculptures out of Popsicle sticks at her new nursing home.
Sammy Hagar is crazy. (Photo: LA Times)
In his new memoir, Sami Hagar claims to have been abducted by aliens. Apparently the aliens brainwashed Hagar, and then told him what to say to sell more books.
Charlie Sheen: Professional Train Wreck
Charlie Sheen claims to be in talks with CBS to revive his show. But first someone will have to revive Sheen, who just overdosed on a seven-gram rock of delusion.
For those of us with nothing better to do than follow the latest Lindsay Lohan legal drama, this week marked an important moment: Lindsay officially issued a statement saying she would not take a plea deal (which would have involved some mandatory jail time) on felony grand theft charges of stealing that now-infamous necklace. Instead, she will take her chances at trial.
LiLo had already indicated that she wouldn’t take any plea that involved jail time, but since she isn’t exactly famous for her top-notch decision-making skills, we asked some people who actually went to law school to weigh in on whether going to trial is a good idea.
Gerald Lefcourt, a prominent New York attorney and past president of the Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers, points out that the question of whether to make a deal or go to trial is the critical question in every case. Says Lefcourt, “One of the toughest and most important decisions an accused faces is whether to accept a negotiated plea offer or take the risk of going to trial and have her fate decided by a jury. That decision is even more difficult in high profile cases where concerns about damaging pre-trial publicity, public sentiment about the accused, and the ability to find a fair and impartial jury predominate. Pleading guilty eliminates uncertainty and is often the best way to mitigate the risk of receiving a harsher sentence if convicted after trial.” Read more…
Apparently Chris Brown was so fired up after this week’s appearance on Good Morning America that he mistook his dressing room window for Rihanna’s face.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could enjoy all the benefits of life as a celebrity without actually having to be talented in your own right? Yes it would, and while the majority of celebs stick to their own kind, there are some stars who have opted to settle down with a “normal” person just like you—only much, much better looking. So, simply follow one of these easy paths and you just might succeed in bagging a celebrity mate of your very own. At the very least you’ll walk away with an epic story about why you are legally required to stay 200 feet away from James Franco at all times.
Meet a Famous Person Before They Get Famous
Once a person becomes famous, they may find it super difficult to trust anyone they didn’t know back when they were one of us regular folks. They think everyone is trying to take advantage of them, and usually they’re right. So one tried and true way to bag a celeb is to start dating said celeb before the person hits it big. That way you’ll rope them in before they have a chance to realize they could do better. Case in point: Ron Howard, who is married to his high school sweetheart, Cheryl. Simply treat everyone you meet like they might be a winning lottery ticket and then wait for your numbers to be called. (Note that this approach tends to work best when one of you gets knocked up before getting famous. Just ask Levi Johnston.) Read more…
Photo borrowed from Parade.com
Tiger Woods is reportedly dating a 22-year-old girl whom he has known since she was 7. In fairness to Tiger, they didn’t become involved until she was legal and he was married.
Starting now, I’ll be writing at least one monologue-style joke about whatever train wreck celebrity scandal or other news story happens to catch my eye. I’ll aim to post on the blog daily, but let’s be honest: I drink a lot, so that may not happen. But most days it will. OK, OK. Some days it probably might. Let’s begin.
The Las Vegas assistant D.A. who prosecuted celebs like Bruno Mars and Paris Hilton for cocaine possession, was arrested last week for buying cocaine. Though in his defense, when he asked the sketchy guy on the corner to give him the “Paris special,” he thought he was paying for a different kind of blow.
Zing!
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