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Tiger Woods is reportedly dating a 22-year-old girl whom he has known since she was 7. In fairness to Tiger, they didn’t become involved until she was legal and he was married.

Starting now, I’ll be writing at least one monologue-style joke about whatever train wreck celebrity scandal or other news story happens to catch my eye. I’ll aim to post on the blog daily, but let’s be honest: I drink a lot, so that may not happen. But most days it will. OK, OK. Some days it probably might. Let’s begin.

The Las Vegas assistant D.A. who prosecuted celebs like Bruno Mars and Paris Hilton for cocaine possession, was arrested last week for buying cocaine. Though in his defense, when he asked the sketchy guy on the corner to give him the “Paris special,” he thought he was paying for a different kind of blow.

Zing!

Wanna submit your own jokes? Leave a comment.

Last week’s ‘Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump‘ reminded us of that whole bizarre, widely publicized beef between The Donald and Rosie O’Donnell, and it got us reminiscing about all the other high-profile celebrity feuds that have captivated our attention, sometimes for years on end. Here are five of our favorites—from Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields to Charlie Sheen vs. The Trolls.

Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields*
You know what is totally insane? Scientology. Fact: Scientologists believe that an alien god named Xenu brought billions of his people to Earth 75 million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes and then annihilated them with hydrogen bombs, aided by psychiatrists. And the most famous proponent of the religion that espouses this nonsense is, of course, Tom Cruise. So when he launched a public attack in 2005 against then-new mother Brooke Shields for treating her severe postpartum depression with anti-depressants—claiming that she didn’t understand the “history of psychiatry”—it would have been laughable if it wasn’t so insulting. The ensuing media frenzy sparked one of the biggest celebrity feuds of all time, with both sides engaging in a war that lasted for months, until Cruise eventually gave in and apologized to Shields. He did not, however, retract his statements about the dangers of antidepressants, which he continues to insist are harmful to the body—which is ironic, considering that he’s obviously been dipping into a secret stash of crazy pills for years.

*Note: This version of the Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields entry is different from the one that appeared on PopEater, which had to be toned down for fear of incurring the wrath of Cruise and his legal team. Read more…

The month of March is upon us, which means the booze-soaked collegiate tradition known as spring break is about to commence. But while America’s future leaders are getting their stomachs pumped in Cancun, the rich and famous prefer to vacation in more luxurious, refined destinations — from the world’s most exotic beaches to its most glistening ski slopes. When it comes to your own spring break, which of those groups would you rather belong to? We thought so. Relax, renew and rejuvenate like the stars at these top destinations, which are commonly frequented by your favorite celebrities … plus people like Lindsay Lohan. And if, like us, you can’t afford an elaborate spring break this year, at least you’ll have a better idea of what you’re missing when you cry yourself to sleep at night. Read more…

When it comes to movies during Oscar season, everyone’s a critic. And most people would be willing to bet they already know who’s going home with a statue on Sunday (Colin Firth, Christian Bale, Natalie Portman) and who isn’t (Jeff Bridges, Annette Bening, Jeremy Renner). But the bigger question is, how many of them would really be willing to bet — as in, make an actual cash wager — they are right?

A lot, it seems. According to some estimates, the Oscars are the most gambled upon non-sporting event in the U.S. after the presidential election.

And, as with most things in life, you have to pay to play. Ed Pownall, the entertainment and political trading director at Bodog.com, one of the largest online gaming sites, explains that there are two types of players when it comes to the Oscars: “Those looking to ‘buy’ money with very short prices (i.e., if an actor or film is 1/12 to win — you have to bet $12 to win $1, so some big players will bet $12K to win $1K thinking it is such a certainty). The other Oscar player is the genuine fan who will play with $5 to $10 and tend to back their favorite actor or film.”

If you fall into that second category, thanks a lot — you’re the reason the house always wins. Just because you loved, say, ‘Little Fockers,’ doesn’t mean you ought to risk your money on it. (Though it does mean you’re a candidate for a lobotomy.) Read more…

Football: It’s a uniquely American phenomenon, from the game itself to the diehard fans. And this Sunday millions of Americans will flock to sports bars and house parties to watch the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers vie for NFL gold at Super Bowl XLV.

But the game itself isn’t the only reason why the Super Bowl is consistently the most-watched television event of the year, with roughly 100 million viewers. Nor is it just because people love an excuse to get trashed on a Sunday (though as a general rule, that’s almost always a good enough reason to do anything).

It’s also about the commercials—especially those featuring celebrities—which have become an essential part of the game day tradition, making the Super Bowl a must-see event, even for those “fans” who think football is just a fancy word for soccer. So even if you’re not from Green Bay (which no one is) or Pittsburgh (which no one admits to), you’ve still got a reason to tune in—and advertisers are banking on you doing just that. Read more…

The countdown to the 83rd Academy Awards is on, with the official nomination press conference set for the early hours of tomorrow morning. As is the custom, bloggers and critics have been hypothesizing for weeks now as to which movies and actors will be recognized by the Academy. Everyone seems to agree that ‘The Kids Are Alright,’ ‘The Fighter,’ ‘Black Swan,’ ‘Toy Story 3,’ ‘The King’s Speech’ and ‘The Social Network’ will pick up several nominations, including Best Picture. Nods for ‘True Grit,’ ’127 Hours’ and ‘Inception’ are also on the table. But what about the many standout films and performances that are likely to be overlooked by Oscar this year? Read more…

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Hey, remember Tom Green, the man who catapulted to fame in the late 1990s with his eponymous MTV show, starred in cult films like Road Trip and Freddy Got Fingered, married (and divorced) Drew Barrymore, and televised his battle with testicular cancer, only to fade from the spotlight just as quickly as he’d landed in it? Well, he’s back — or more accurately, he never really left. You just didn’t know it. Read more…

If you haven’t heard of funny man Brian Posehn, chances are you’ve seen his work–with a resume that includes “The Sarah Silverman Show,” the original “Comedians of Comedy,” regular appearances on Comedy Central’s Roasts and “Late Night with Conan O’Brien.” This weekend, he’s headlining four shows at Comix (Fri. and Sat. at 8pm and 10:30pm; buy tickets here). In honor of his visit to New York, I asked Brian to tell us about five of his favorite places in the city. Here’s what he had to say (so now you can stalk him this weekend. You’re welcome).

(1) The Burger Joint at the Parker Meridien: It’s a burger joint hidden inside the lobby of a fancy pants hotel, like most good burger joints. Perfect, simple burger and a surly but friendly staff straight out of that old “SNL” Cheeseburger Cheeseburger sketch. Read more…

Would you like half?” Jena Malone asks me at the start of our interview, referring to her bottle of Vitamin Water. Sweet and soft-spoken (and extraordinarily polite), you may not know her name—yet—but chances are you’ve seen one of Jena’s films. From Into the Wild to Saved! the young starlet has already racked up over 35 big and small screen credits, and at 23-years-old she’s just getting started. That’s why we jumped on the opportunity to chat with Jena about her upcoming films, her burgeoning music career and her take on the world of fashion.  Read more…