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Wouldn’t it be nice if you could enjoy all the benefits of life as a celebrity without actually having to be talented in your own right? Yes it would, and while the majority of celebs stick to their own kind, there are some stars who have opted to settle down with a “normal” person just like you—only much, much better looking. So, simply follow one of these easy paths and you just might succeed in bagging a celebrity mate of your very own. At the very least you’ll walk away with an epic story about why you are legally required to stay 200 feet away from James Franco at all times.

Meet a Famous Person Before They Get Famous
Once a person becomes famous, they may find it super difficult to trust anyone they didn’t know back when they were one of us regular folks. They think everyone is trying to take advantage of them, and usually they’re right. So one tried and true way to bag a celeb is to start dating said celeb before the person hits it big. That way you’ll rope them in before they have a chance to realize they could do better. Case in point: Ron Howard, who is married to his high school sweetheart, Cheryl. Simply treat everyone you meet like they might be a winning lottery ticket and then wait for your numbers to be called. (Note that this approach tends to work best when one of you gets knocked up before getting famous. Just ask Levi Johnston.) Read more…

Tiger Woods is reportedly dating a 22-year-old girl whom he has known since she was 7. In fairness to Tiger, they didn’t become involved until she was legal and he was married.

Starting now, I’ll be writing at least one monologue-style joke about whatever train wreck celebrity scandal or other news story happens to catch my eye. I’ll aim to post on the blog daily, but let’s be honest: I drink a lot, so that may not happen. But most days it will. OK, OK. Some days it probably might. Let’s begin.

The Las Vegas assistant D.A. who prosecuted celebs like Bruno Mars and Paris Hilton for cocaine possession, was arrested last week for buying cocaine. Though in his defense, when he asked the sketchy guy on the corner to give him the “Paris special,” he thought he was paying for a different kind of blow.

Zing!

Wanna submit your own jokes? Leave a comment.

Last week’s ‘Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump‘ reminded us of that whole bizarre, widely publicized beef between The Donald and Rosie O’Donnell, and it got us reminiscing about all the other high-profile celebrity feuds that have captivated our attention, sometimes for years on end. Here are five of our favorites—from Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields to Charlie Sheen vs. The Trolls.

Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields*
You know what is totally insane? Scientology. Fact: Scientologists believe that an alien god named Xenu brought billions of his people to Earth 75 million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes and then annihilated them with hydrogen bombs, aided by psychiatrists. And the most famous proponent of the religion that espouses this nonsense is, of course, Tom Cruise. So when he launched a public attack in 2005 against then-new mother Brooke Shields for treating her severe postpartum depression with anti-depressants—claiming that she didn’t understand the “history of psychiatry”—it would have been laughable if it wasn’t so insulting. The ensuing media frenzy sparked one of the biggest celebrity feuds of all time, with both sides engaging in a war that lasted for months, until Cruise eventually gave in and apologized to Shields. He did not, however, retract his statements about the dangers of antidepressants, which he continues to insist are harmful to the body—which is ironic, considering that he’s obviously been dipping into a secret stash of crazy pills for years.

*Note: This version of the Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields entry is different from the one that appeared on PopEater, which had to be toned down for fear of incurring the wrath of Cruise and his legal team. Read more…

When it comes to movies during Oscar season, everyone’s a critic. And most people would be willing to bet they already know who’s going home with a statue on Sunday (Colin Firth, Christian Bale, Natalie Portman) and who isn’t (Jeff Bridges, Annette Bening, Jeremy Renner). But the bigger question is, how many of them would really be willing to bet — as in, make an actual cash wager — they are right?

A lot, it seems. According to some estimates, the Oscars are the most gambled upon non-sporting event in the U.S. after the presidential election.

And, as with most things in life, you have to pay to play. Ed Pownall, the entertainment and political trading director at Bodog.com, one of the largest online gaming sites, explains that there are two types of players when it comes to the Oscars: “Those looking to ‘buy’ money with very short prices (i.e., if an actor or film is 1/12 to win — you have to bet $12 to win $1, so some big players will bet $12K to win $1K thinking it is such a certainty). The other Oscar player is the genuine fan who will play with $5 to $10 and tend to back their favorite actor or film.”

If you fall into that second category, thanks a lot — you’re the reason the house always wins. Just because you loved, say, ‘Little Fockers,’ doesn’t mean you ought to risk your money on it. (Though it does mean you’re a candidate for a lobotomy.) Read more…

Football: It’s a uniquely American phenomenon, from the game itself to the diehard fans. And this Sunday millions of Americans will flock to sports bars and house parties to watch the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers vie for NFL gold at Super Bowl XLV.

But the game itself isn’t the only reason why the Super Bowl is consistently the most-watched television event of the year, with roughly 100 million viewers. Nor is it just because people love an excuse to get trashed on a Sunday (though as a general rule, that’s almost always a good enough reason to do anything).

It’s also about the commercials—especially those featuring celebrities—which have become an essential part of the game day tradition, making the Super Bowl a must-see event, even for those “fans” who think football is just a fancy word for soccer. So even if you’re not from Green Bay (which no one is) or Pittsburgh (which no one admits to), you’ve still got a reason to tune in—and advertisers are banking on you doing just that. Read more…

The countdown to the 83rd Academy Awards is on, with the official nomination press conference set for the early hours of tomorrow morning. As is the custom, bloggers and critics have been hypothesizing for weeks now as to which movies and actors will be recognized by the Academy. Everyone seems to agree that ‘The Kids Are Alright,’ ‘The Fighter,’ ‘Black Swan,’ ‘Toy Story 3,’ ‘The King’s Speech’ and ‘The Social Network’ will pick up several nominations, including Best Picture. Nods for ‘True Grit,’ ’127 Hours’ and ‘Inception’ are also on the table. But what about the many standout films and performances that are likely to be overlooked by Oscar this year? Read more…

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Hey, remember Tom Green, the man who catapulted to fame in the late 1990s with his eponymous MTV show, starred in cult films like Road Trip and Freddy Got Fingered, married (and divorced) Drew Barrymore, and televised his battle with testicular cancer, only to fade from the spotlight just as quickly as he’d landed in it? Well, he’s back — or more accurately, he never really left. You just didn’t know it. Read more…

If you haven’t heard of funny man Brian Posehn, chances are you’ve seen his work–with a resume that includes “The Sarah Silverman Show,” the original “Comedians of Comedy,” regular appearances on Comedy Central’s Roasts and “Late Night with Conan O’Brien.” This weekend, he’s headlining four shows at Comix (Fri. and Sat. at 8pm and 10:30pm; buy tickets here). In honor of his visit to New York, I asked Brian to tell us about five of his favorite places in the city. Here’s what he had to say (so now you can stalk him this weekend. You’re welcome).

(1) The Burger Joint at the Parker Meridien: It’s a burger joint hidden inside the lobby of a fancy pants hotel, like most good burger joints. Perfect, simple burger and a surly but friendly staff straight out of that old “SNL” Cheeseburger Cheeseburger sketch. Read more…