Last week’s ‘Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump‘ reminded us of that whole bizarre, widely publicized beef between The Donald and Rosie O’Donnell, and it got us reminiscing about all the other high-profile celebrity feuds that have captivated our attention, sometimes for years on end. Here are five of our favorites—from Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields to Charlie Sheen vs. The Trolls.
Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields*
You know what is totally insane? Scientology. Fact: Scientologists believe that an alien god named Xenu brought billions of his people to Earth 75 million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes and then annihilated them with hydrogen bombs, aided by psychiatrists. And the most famous proponent of the religion that espouses this nonsense is, of course, Tom Cruise. So when he launched a public attack in 2005 against then-new mother Brooke Shields for treating her severe postpartum depression with anti-depressants—claiming that she didn’t understand the “history of psychiatry”—it would have been laughable if it wasn’t so insulting. The ensuing media frenzy sparked one of the biggest celebrity feuds of all time, with both sides engaging in a war that lasted for months, until Cruise eventually gave in and apologized to Shields. He did not, however, retract his statements about the dangers of antidepressants, which he continues to insist are harmful to the body—which is ironic, considering that he’s obviously been dipping into a secret stash of crazy pills for years.
*Note: This version of the Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields entry is different from the one that appeared on PopEater, which had to be toned down for fear of incurring the wrath of Cruise and his legal team.
Paris Hilton vs. Kim Kardashian
It’s no secret that Paris Hilton likes to do things in public and on tape, and feuding with her friends is no exception. First there was her post-‘Simple Life’ breakup with Nicole Richie. We can hardly remember what that was about, because we didn’t really care. But it was probably a sex tape. Then, more recently, there was Hilton’s ongoing catfight with former besty Kim Kardashian, whom the socialite supposedly dropped for not being cool or famous enough back in 2006. The two have since lobbed insults back and forth, most notably when Hilton remarked that Kim’s famous rear end was “gross” and reminded her of “cottage cheese inside a big trash bag,” proving once again that her talent for invoking powerful metaphors is rivaled only by that of Shakespeare or Joyce. But really, Paris, if you’re going to criticize KK, perhaps you ought to choose something—anything—besides her ass, which is the one thing we can all agree she’s doing right. In recent weeks, several tabloids have reported that Paris reached out to her old pal in an effort to make amends, but something tells us she’s about as good at heartfelt apologies as she is at singing. Or not releasing sex tapes.
Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell
Obama supporters everywhere are praying that Donald Trump runs for president, because it will be criminally easy to defeat him once voters are reminded of the real estate mogul’s very public row with Rosie O’Donnell, which included calling her a fat slob, a loser and a bully. (And we know it took every hair on his head—OK, OK, that’s an unfair measure—not to stick the word “lesbian” in there somewhere.) But that was just the beginning of this ongoing feud, which began in 2006 when Rosie took to the airwaves to express her disapproval of the way The Donald handled the scandal surrounding troubled Miss USA Tara Conner. Both sides proceeded to trade insults through various media outlets for months, with isolated relapses continuing until recently. Perhaps the most memorable incident occurred when Trump sent a gigantic lace undergarment, worn by Rosie in the film ‘Exit to Eden,’ to Barbara Walters (who was then Rosie’s boss at ‘The View’), remarking that the item was “disgusting” and adding that he pitied Rosie’s wife. So, yeah, all super presidential behavior that wouldn’t make it at all difficult to take him seriously in the White House.
Charlie Sheen vs. The Trolls
While we are loath to continue giving ink to Hollywood’s recently crowned resident lunatic, we can’t deny that almost everyone has felt the ire of Charlie Sheen of late. Thus, for the sake of ease, we’re just lumping them all together under the umbrella term favored by Sheen himself: Trolls. That means you, John Cryer; and also you, Chuck Lorre and CBS; and even you, Alec Baldwin. What these trolls don’t understand is that taking on a warlock whose veins run thick with tiger blood is an utterly futile endeavor. And just in case his bizarre media appearances and public rants seemed to suggest otherwise, FYI Charlie Sheen is totally not crazy and definitely not on drugs; after all, they don’t call it Sober Valley Lodge for nothing. (Well, actually, that’s debatable.) But let’s be honest: This whole tragicomedy is more tragedy than comedy, and the only real winner in this feud is all the other Hollywood train wrecks, who finally get to stare at someone else for a change.
Kanye West vs. Taylor Swift
Who can forget Kanye West’s famous outburst at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, when then-19-year-old Taylor Swift won Best Female Video, prompting ‘Ye to jump up on stage, grab the mic and declare that Beyonce ought to have won instead. The backlash against the rapper was instant and far-reaching, with virtually everyone—from the media to fellow celebrities—expressing support for young Taylor and outrage at Kanye. Despite his very public beating, a few months later he generated more bad press when he accused Swift of “riding the waves” of the incident and criticized her for not coming to his defense during the media blitz that followed. Because, you know, when someone publicly humiliates you and robs you of what should be your moment to shine, the only proper response is to go on TV and sing their praises. Seriously, buck up, Taylor.
A version of this article originally appeared on PopEater.