Maxim and Guinness sent me to Dublin for St. Patrick’s Day, and all I brought back was this epic hangover. Oh, and I also met the President of Ireland, and took a picture of the toilets in the White House, obviously. Read the story on Maxim.com.
Category: Humor & Comedy
Things You Need: The Office Sleeping Bag
What is this, communist China? Can't a girl get a few hours of sleep during the work day?
OK, OK. Everyone shut-up. This is important. It’s a new product designed by Kawamura Ganjavian, and it’s described as the “pocket pillow for nap.” The concept is fairly straightforward: Simply shove your head into this weird face-and-hand Snuggie and lay down on your desk during an important meeting. Then wait for the bonus dollars to roll on in. Oh, and when you’re not using it for mid-day naps, it could easily double as an oversized onesie for that baby the government is about to take away from you for, you know, being batshit crazy.
7 Things Unemployed People Should Not Be Overheard Saying
I need a vacation! (Image via Julia Tarquinio)
If you don’t have a job, here are some things you should never say out loud–particularly if you’re collecting unemployment insurance.
“Ugh, lobster again?”
“I prefer the cafe at Bergdorf’s.”
“I drank too much Champagne last night.”
“I’d like to use these food stamps to buy that caviar.”
“Keep the change.”
“I can’t decide between Shiatsu and deep tissue.”
“Mitt Romney for president!”
6 Jokes That Didn’t Get Me a Job Writing for Weekend Update
Seth Meyers was pushing for me. Or whatever.
Each fall, before the start of a new television season, Saturday Night Live accepts submissions from comedy writers looking to write jokes on a freelance basis for Weekend Update. To my knowledge, pretty much anyone can apply; the only prerequisite is that you know who to contact in the writer’s room. They generally respond to every inquiry, and the guidelines are fairly straightforward:
We would like you to write a total of 10 jokes based on news stories the occurred between September 6th and September 15, 2011. We are interested in seeing how you write for current events. We do not want old material. Also, please do not submit more than 10 jokes. To help you, I am enclosing a couple of pages of set-ups. You are not limited to the stories from these set-ups, but any stories you use must have occurred during the stated time period.
We are looking for solid, traditional monologue jokes. I.E. Two line jokes. Set-up followed by a punchline. We do not want Daily Show style rants. Please do not send in bits, shorts sketches, or anything involving other cast members. Do not submit jokes with multiple punchlines. They will count as separate jokes.
If you are accepted, there’s no guarantee that anything you write will ever make it to air. In fact, there’s a strong possibility that it won’t. But you still get to say you’re a freelance joke-writer at SNL, and that plays better on a résumé than “dog walker.” I have no idea of how many people typically apply, and even less of an idea of how many are accepted. I wasn’t. In fact, I was rejected in record time, just hours after emailing my submission. So, just in case you’re wondering what not to do, here are a few of the jokes that didn’t get me a job writing for Weekend Update. Continue reading
PopEater: ‘Mommie Dearest’ – The Worst Celebrity Parents in History
Last week, the blogs were aflutter with the news that Katy Perry’s Evangelical mother is trying to sell a book about her daughter’s sinful lifestyle, and it got us thinking about other parents who have displayed questionable judgment when it comes to their famous offspring. Read on for a roundup of Hollywood’s most notoriously unfit parents, from the Lohans to Joe Jackson.
Dina and Michael Lohan
With role models like these, it’s no wonder Lindsay “Lindsay” Lohan turned to drugs and alcohol just to stay afloat. Michael is the only Lohan who has a longer rap sheet than Lindsay, with charges ranging from insider trading to driving under the influence to attempted assault. And the only thing he does more frequently than talk to the press about Lindsay is booze. Meanwhile, Dina is desperate to be a pseudo-celebrity in her own right, and conceived that god-awful reality show ‘Living Lohan’ as a way to capitalize on her other potential cash cow, daughter Ali. She even invited a crew from ‘Entertainment Tonight’ to film the troubled Lindsay while she was in drug rehab. Parents of the year these two losers aren’t. Continue reading
PopEater: How to Bag a Celebrity
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could enjoy all the benefits of life as a celebrity without actually having to be talented in your own right? Yes it would, and while the majority of celebs stick to their own kind, there are some stars who have opted to settle down with a “normal” person just like you—only much, much better looking. So, simply follow one of these easy paths and you just might succeed in bagging a celebrity mate of your very own. At the very least you’ll walk away with an epic story about why you are legally required to stay 200 feet away from James Franco at all times.
Meet a Famous Person Before They Get Famous
Once a person becomes famous, they may find it super difficult to trust anyone they didn’t know back when they were one of us regular folks. They think everyone is trying to take advantage of them, and usually they’re right. So one tried and true way to bag a celeb is to start dating said celeb before the person hits it big. That way you’ll rope them in before they have a chance to realize they could do better. Case in point: Ron Howard, who is married to his high school sweetheart, Cheryl. Simply treat everyone you meet like they might be a winning lottery ticket and then wait for your numbers to be called. (Note that this approach tends to work best when one of you gets knocked up before getting famous. Just ask Levi Johnston.) Continue reading
PopEater: Best Celebrity Feuds
Last week’s ‘Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump‘ reminded us of that whole bizarre, widely publicized beef between The Donald and Rosie O’Donnell, and it got us reminiscing about all the other high-profile celebrity feuds that have captivated our attention, sometimes for years on end. Here are five of our favorites—from Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields to Charlie Sheen vs. The Trolls.
Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields*
You know what is totally insane? Scientology. Fact: Scientologists believe that an alien god named Xenu brought billions of his people to Earth 75 million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes and then annihilated them with hydrogen bombs, aided by psychiatrists. And the most famous proponent of the religion that espouses this nonsense is, of course, Tom Cruise. So when he launched a public attack in 2005 against then-new mother Brooke Shields for treating her severe postpartum depression with anti-depressants—claiming that she didn’t understand the “history of psychiatry”—it would have been laughable if it wasn’t so insulting. The ensuing media frenzy sparked one of the biggest celebrity feuds of all time, with both sides engaging in a war that lasted for months, until Cruise eventually gave in and apologized to Shields. He did not, however, retract his statements about the dangers of antidepressants, which he continues to insist are harmful to the body—which is ironic, considering that he’s obviously been dipping into a secret stash of crazy pills for years.
*Note: This version of the Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields entry is different from the one that appeared on PopEater, which had to be toned down for fear of incurring the wrath of Cruise and his legal team. Continue reading
PopEater: Spring Break, Celebrity-Style
The month of March is upon us, which means the booze-soaked collegiate tradition known as spring break is about to commence. But while America’s future leaders are getting their stomachs pumped in Cancun, the rich and famous prefer to vacation in more luxurious, refined destinations — from the world’s most exotic beaches to its most glistening ski slopes. When it comes to your own spring break, which of those groups would you rather belong to? We thought so. Relax, renew and rejuvenate like the stars at these top destinations, which are commonly frequented by your favorite celebrities … plus people like Lindsay Lohan. And if, like us, you can’t afford an elaborate spring break this year, at least you’ll have a better idea of what you’re missing when you cry yourself to sleep at night. Continue reading
PopEater: Oscar Betting is the Most Gambled Upon Non-Sporting Event in the U.S.
When it comes to movies during Oscar season, everyone’s a critic. And most people would be willing to bet they already know who’s going home with a statue on Sunday (Colin Firth, Christian Bale, Natalie Portman) and who isn’t (Jeff Bridges, Annette Bening, Jeremy Renner). But the bigger question is, how many of them would really be willing to bet — as in, make an actual cash wager — they are right?
A lot, it seems. According to some estimates, the Oscars are the most gambled upon non-sporting event in the U.S. after the presidential election.
And, as with most things in life, you have to pay to play. Ed Pownall, the entertainment and political trading director at Bodog.com, one of the largest online gaming sites, explains that there are two types of players when it comes to the Oscars: “Those looking to ‘buy’ money with very short prices (i.e., if an actor or film is 1/12 to win — you have to bet $12 to win $1, so some big players will bet $12K to win $1K thinking it is such a certainty). The other Oscar player is the genuine fan who will play with $5 to $10 and tend to back their favorite actor or film.”
If you fall into that second category, thanks a lot — you’re the reason the house always wins. Just because you loved, say, ‘Little Fockers,’ doesn’t mean you ought to risk your money on it. (Though it does mean you’re a candidate for a lobotomy.) Continue reading
PopEater: Best Celebrity Super Bowl Commercials
Football: It’s a uniquely American phenomenon, from the game itself to the diehard fans. And this Sunday millions of Americans will flock to sports bars and house parties to watch the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers vie for NFL gold at Super Bowl XLV.
But the game itself isn’t the only reason why the Super Bowl is consistently the most-watched television event of the year, with roughly 100 million viewers. Nor is it just because people love an excuse to get trashed on a Sunday (though as a general rule, that’s almost always a good enough reason to do anything).
It’s also about the commercials—especially those featuring celebrities—which have become an essential part of the game day tradition, making the Super Bowl a must-see event, even for those “fans” who think football is just a fancy word for soccer. So even if you’re not from Green Bay (which no one is) or Pittsburgh (which no one admits to), you’ve still got a reason to tune in—and advertisers are banking on you doing just that. Continue reading
Citysearch: Best New York Bars for a One-Night Stand
Thank god for alcohol, without which no one would ever have gotten laid–least of all that snaggletoothed disaster sitting at the bar. But after a few car bombs, she starts to look pretty good, and soon it’s off to your place. But not every New York bar is conducive to meeting Mr. or Ms. Right Now. Where to go when you’re on the market for a good old-fashioned, no-strings-attached one-night stand? These six bars, where the pretenses are low and the odds of scoring are high. Continue reading
Citysearch: New York Bars I’ve Fallen Down In
Every true drinker has woken up at least once to discover a bruise or drinking-related injury from the previous night. Me, more than others. Since the day I turned 18–er, 21–I’ve displayed an almost magnificent tendency to drink, slip and fall, and I’ve done it at bars across New York City. Why am I telling you all this? Because I’m drunk now, obviously. But seriously, watch your step at these seven bars, or you could end up like me–and as my parents can confirm, you really don’t want that. Continue reading
Citysearch: Bars That Make Me Wanna Kill Myself
Thirty-year-old frat boys who confuse Murray Hill with Sigma Chi. Hedge fund douche bags who refer to the Hamptons as “The ‘Tones.” Brainless girls in Jessica Simpson brand stilettos who are about 20 pounds too heavy for that dress. Staten Islanders. These are a few of my least favorite things. And you can find them all at these five bars. Continue reading
Citysearch: Party Like It’s Spring Break
Photo courtesy of The Big Easy
It’s nearly mid-March, which means that if you’re a college student, you’re probably getting ready to spend a week with 10 other hoodlums, holed up in some beachside shanty, soaking up moderate quantities of sun and lethal quantities of booze, in honor of that great American pastime known as spring break. Well, guess what: Even if your undergraduate years are over, you needn’t dip to Tijuana to partake in the sort of lewd, depraved behavior pictured above. There are plenty of bars where even the most respectable professionals you can experience the thrills of spring break–from the alcohol poisoning to the scantily clad girls–right here on the Isle of Manhattan. Here they are.
Oh, Snap! Equinox vs. The Catholic League
Evidently The Catholic League is none too pleased about Equinox‘s latest ad campaign, which depicts a series of sexy, fairytale-esque scenes shot by Ellen von Unwerth. In particular, they take issue with the hot nuns with exposed legs sketching the hot naked dude with exposed everything. The ads aren’t in rotation in New York yet, but will be making their city-wide debut forthwith. In the meantime, Equinox is more than happy to exacerbate the situation by giving New Yorkers a sneak peek of what it has in store for our local magazines, billboards, and subways by displaying the new ads in the windows at three of their locations (50th Street, 19th Street and Greenwich Avenue), from now through Friday.
I belong to one of Equinox’s competitors, so I can’t say I know for sure what their clientele is like. But I can say that my gym is filled with fatties and old people, and if I ever once had to look at someone like the models above while “running” my 12-minute mile, I’d either kill myself or kill them. To be fair though, while these ads don’t necessarily make me want to join Equinox (or ever leave my apartment again, for that matter), they do make me want to join a convent and take up sketching.
Justine Goodman 