PopEater: How to Bag a Celebrity

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could enjoy all the benefits of life as a celebrity without actually having to be talented in your own right? Yes it would, and while the majority of celebs stick to their own kind, there are some stars who have opted to settle down with a “normal” person just like you—only much, much better looking. So, simply follow one of these easy paths and you just might succeed in bagging a celebrity mate of your very own. At the very least you’ll walk away with an epic story about why you are legally required to stay 200 feet away from James Franco at all times.

Meet a Famous Person Before They Get Famous
Once a person becomes famous, they may find it super difficult to trust anyone they didn’t know back when they were one of us regular folks. They think everyone is trying to take advantage of them, and usually they’re right. So one tried and true way to bag a celeb is to start dating said celeb before the person hits it big. That way you’ll rope them in before they have a chance to realize they could do better. Case in point: Ron Howard, who is married to his high school sweetheart, Cheryl. Simply treat everyone you meet like they might be a winning lottery ticket and then wait for your numbers to be called. (Note that this approach tends to work best when one of you gets knocked up before getting famous. Just ask Levi Johnston.)

Go to a Fancy School
Kate Middleton met Prince William in 2001 when they were both students at the elite University of St. Andrews. Now, she’s totally getting married at Westminster Abbey next month—and it only took 10 years! So, all you have to do is get into a school like Brown or Yale (James Franco, anyone?) and then charm the pants off one of your inevitably famous peers. Also, might as well cover all your bases and snap some compromising pics of your future ex- taking bong hits at a frat party. That is sure to come handy when they try to leave you.

Be Married to Someone Else
It’s a well-known fact that people tend to want what they can’t have, and since celebrities can have pretty much anything, it may be very difficult to confuse them into thinking that you are something they can’t have, let alone something they would want in the first place. But here’s one way to sidestep that pesky problem: marry someone else. It worked for Jessica Sklar, who had just returned from her honeymoon when she met Jerry Seinfeld at a Reebok Sports Club and started having an affair with him. Yadda, yadda, yadda, she ditched that other dude and now she’s married to one of the most famous people on the planet.

Become a Makeup Artist
You know who gets to know famous people really well without actually being famous? Makeup artists. While celebs are sitting in that chair, having their flaws concealed, they very often bond with the makeup artist, and sometimes that bonding leads to breeding. Patrick Dempsey is married to makeup artist Jillian Fink, while ‘E.R.’ alum Anthony Edwards is married to Jeanine Lobell, whom he met on the set of ‘Pet Sematary II.’ Hell, even Johnny Depp was married to a makeup artist in the ‘80s, and Jason Priestley has married not one but two makeup artists. Sadly, few female celebrities have followed suit, but that’s only because there has never, ever been a straight male makeup artist.

Be a Hot Bartender
Did you know that Matt Damon’s wife—and the mother of his four daughters—is a former bartender? It’s true. Matt met Argentine-born Luciana Bozan Barroso in 2003 when he was shooting ‘Stuck on You’ in Miami, where she was working at a bar. (Which may explain that unspeakably bad movie; Damon must have been hammered from all the free drinks she was probably serving him.) Two years later, they wed at a private civil ceremony in New York. Moral of the story: Go to bartending school, then get a job somewhere that celebrities hang out. You’re welcome.

A more G-rated version of this article originally appeared on PopEater.

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