Author: Justine Goodman

Things You Need: The Office Sleeping Bag

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What is this, communist China? Can't a girl get a few hours of sleep during the work day?

OK, OK. Everyone shut-up. This is important. It’s a new product designed by Kawamura Ganjavian, and it’s described as the “pocket pillow for nap.” The concept is fairly straightforward: Simply shove your head into this weird face-and-hand Snuggie and lay down on your desk during an important meeting. Then wait for the bonus dollars to roll on in. Oh, and when you’re not using it for mid-day naps, it could easily double as an oversized onesie for that baby the government is about to take away from you for, you know, being batshit crazy.

7 Things Unemployed People Should Not Be Overheard Saying

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I need a vacation! (Image via Julia Tarquinio)

If you don’t have a job, here are some things you should never say out loud–particularly if you’re collecting unemployment insurance.

“Ugh, lobster again?”

“I prefer the cafe at Bergdorf’s.”

“I drank too much Champagne last night.”

“I’d like to use these food stamps to buy that caviar.”

“Keep the change.”

“I can’t decide between Shiatsu and deep tissue.”

“Mitt Romney for president!”

Read My New Article in On the Issues Magazine

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This is my mom in 1967, when there was no internet or HBO and everything was boring.

Although I typically write about fun things like celebrities and booze–or, as my mom might say, “things you don’t need to go to Brown for”–sometimes I have occasion to cover more serious subjects. Case in point: My new article about the history of abortion in New York State for On The Issues Magazine. For the piece, I interviewed my mother, Emily Jane Goodman, who was one of the lawyers on the original legal team that sought to challenge New York’s anti-abortion laws in 1969, before the passage of Roe v. Wade at the federal level. Sounds fun, right? Read it at On the Issues.

6 Jokes That Didn’t Get Me a Job Writing for Weekend Update

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Seth Meyers was pushing for me. Or whatever.

Each fall, before the start of a new television season, Saturday Night Live accepts submissions from comedy writers looking to write jokes on a freelance basis for Weekend Update. To my knowledge, pretty much anyone can apply; the only prerequisite is that you know who to contact in the writer’s room. They generally respond to every inquiry, and the guidelines are fairly straightforward:

We would like you to write a total of 10 jokes based on news stories the occurred between September 6th and September 15, 2011. We are interested in seeing how you write for current events. We do not want old material. Also, please do not submit more than 10 jokes. To help you, I am enclosing a couple of pages of set-ups. You are not limited to the stories from these set-ups, but any stories you use must have occurred during the stated time period.

We are looking for solid, traditional monologue jokes. I.E. Two line jokes. Set-up followed by a punchline. We do not want Daily Show style rants. Please do not send in bits, shorts sketches, or anything involving other cast members. Do not submit jokes with multiple punchlines. They will count as separate jokes.

If you are accepted, there’s no guarantee that anything you write will ever make it to air. In fact, there’s a strong possibility that it won’t. But you still get to say you’re a freelance joke-writer at SNL, and that plays better on a résumé than “dog walker.” I have no idea of how many people typically apply, and even less of an idea of how many are accepted. I wasn’t. In fact, I was rejected in record time, just hours after emailing my submission. So, just in case you’re wondering what not to do, here are a few of the jokes that didn’t get me a job writing for Weekend Update.   Continue reading →

PopEater: ‘Mommie Dearest’ – The Worst Celebrity Parents in History

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Last week, the blogs were aflutter with the news that Katy Perry’s Evangelical mother is trying to sell a book about her daughter’s sinful lifestyle, and it got us thinking about other parents who have displayed questionable judgment when it comes to their famous offspring. Read on for a roundup of Hollywood’s most notoriously unfit parents, from the Lohans to Joe Jackson.

Dina and Michael Lohan
With role models like these, it’s no wonder Lindsay “Lindsay” Lohan turned to drugs and alcohol just to stay afloat. Michael is the only Lohan who has a longer rap sheet than Lindsay, with charges ranging from insider trading to driving under the influence to attempted assault. And the only thing he does more frequently than talk to the press about Lindsay is booze. Meanwhile, Dina is desperate to be a pseudo-celebrity in her own right, and conceived that god-awful reality show ‘Living Lohan’ as a way to capitalize on her other potential cash cow, daughter Ali. She even invited a crew from ‘Entertainment Tonight’ to film the troubled Lindsay while she was in drug rehab. Parents of the year these two losers aren’t. Continue reading →

PopEater: Legal Experts Comment on Lindsay Lohan’s Legal Drama

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LiLo in court.

For those of us with nothing better to do than follow the latest Lindsay Lohan legal drama, this week marked an important moment: Lindsay officially issued a statement saying she would not take a plea deal (which would have involved some mandatory jail time) on felony grand theft charges of stealing that now-infamous necklace. Instead, she will take her chances at trial.

LiLo had already indicated that she wouldn’t take any plea that involved jail time, but since she isn’t exactly famous for her top-notch decision-making skills, we asked some people who actually went to law school to weigh in on whether going to trial is a good idea.

Gerald Lefcourt, a prominent New York attorney and past president of the Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers, points out that the question of whether to make a deal or go to trial is the critical question in every case. Says Lefcourt, “One of the toughest and most important decisions an accused faces is whether to accept a negotiated plea offer or take the risk of going to trial and have her fate decided by a jury. That decision is even more difficult in high profile cases where concerns about damaging pre-trial publicity, public sentiment about the accused, and the ability to find a fair and impartial jury predominate. Pleading guilty eliminates uncertainty and is often the best way to mitigate the risk of receiving a harsher sentence if convicted after trial.” Continue reading →

PopEater: How to Bag a Celebrity

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Wouldn’t it be nice if you could enjoy all the benefits of life as a celebrity without actually having to be talented in your own right? Yes it would, and while the majority of celebs stick to their own kind, there are some stars who have opted to settle down with a “normal” person just like you—only much, much better looking. So, simply follow one of these easy paths and you just might succeed in bagging a celebrity mate of your very own. At the very least you’ll walk away with an epic story about why you are legally required to stay 200 feet away from James Franco at all times.

Meet a Famous Person Before They Get Famous
Once a person becomes famous, they may find it super difficult to trust anyone they didn’t know back when they were one of us regular folks. They think everyone is trying to take advantage of them, and usually they’re right. So one tried and true way to bag a celeb is to start dating said celeb before the person hits it big. That way you’ll rope them in before they have a chance to realize they could do better. Case in point: Ron Howard, who is married to his high school sweetheart, Cheryl. Simply treat everyone you meet like they might be a winning lottery ticket and then wait for your numbers to be called. (Note that this approach tends to work best when one of you gets knocked up before getting famous. Just ask Levi Johnston.) Continue reading →

PopEater: Best Celebrity Feuds

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Last week’s ‘Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump‘ reminded us of that whole bizarre, widely publicized beef between The Donald and Rosie O’Donnell, and it got us reminiscing about all the other high-profile celebrity feuds that have captivated our attention, sometimes for years on end. Here are five of our favorites—from Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields to Charlie Sheen vs. The Trolls.

Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields*
You know what is totally insane? Scientology. Fact: Scientologists believe that an alien god named Xenu brought billions of his people to Earth 75 million years ago, stacked them around volcanoes and then annihilated them with hydrogen bombs, aided by psychiatrists. And the most famous proponent of the religion that espouses this nonsense is, of course, Tom Cruise. So when he launched a public attack in 2005 against then-new mother Brooke Shields for treating her severe postpartum depression with anti-depressants—claiming that she didn’t understand the “history of psychiatry”—it would have been laughable if it wasn’t so insulting. The ensuing media frenzy sparked one of the biggest celebrity feuds of all time, with both sides engaging in a war that lasted for months, until Cruise eventually gave in and apologized to Shields. He did not, however, retract his statements about the dangers of antidepressants, which he continues to insist are harmful to the body—which is ironic, considering that he’s obviously been dipping into a secret stash of crazy pills for years.

*Note: This version of the Tom Cruise vs. Brooke Shields entry is different from the one that appeared on PopEater, which had to be toned down for fear of incurring the wrath of Cruise and his legal team. Continue reading →

PopEater: Spring Break, Celebrity-Style

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The month of March is upon us, which means the booze-soaked collegiate tradition known as spring break is about to commence. But while America’s future leaders are getting their stomachs pumped in Cancun, the rich and famous prefer to vacation in more luxurious, refined destinations — from the world’s most exotic beaches to its most glistening ski slopes. When it comes to your own spring break, which of those groups would you rather belong to? We thought so. Relax, renew and rejuvenate like the stars at these top destinations, which are commonly frequented by your favorite celebrities … plus people like Lindsay Lohan. And if, like us, you can’t afford an elaborate spring break this year, at least you’ll have a better idea of what you’re missing when you cry yourself to sleep at night. Continue reading →

PopEater: Oscar Betting is the Most Gambled Upon Non-Sporting Event in the U.S.

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When it comes to movies during Oscar season, everyone’s a critic. And most people would be willing to bet they already know who’s going home with a statue on Sunday (Colin Firth, Christian Bale, Natalie Portman) and who isn’t (Jeff Bridges, Annette Bening, Jeremy Renner). But the bigger question is, how many of them would really be willing to bet — as in, make an actual cash wager — they are right?

A lot, it seems. According to some estimates, the Oscars are the most gambled upon non-sporting event in the U.S. after the presidential election.

And, as with most things in life, you have to pay to play. Ed Pownall, the entertainment and political trading director at Bodog.com, one of the largest online gaming sites, explains that there are two types of players when it comes to the Oscars: “Those looking to ‘buy’ money with very short prices (i.e., if an actor or film is 1/12 to win — you have to bet $12 to win $1, so some big players will bet $12K to win $1K thinking it is such a certainty). The other Oscar player is the genuine fan who will play with $5 to $10 and tend to back their favorite actor or film.”

If you fall into that second category, thanks a lot — you’re the reason the house always wins. Just because you loved, say, ‘Little Fockers,’ doesn’t mean you ought to risk your money on it. (Though it does mean you’re a candidate for a lobotomy.) Continue reading →

PopEater: Best Celebrity Super Bowl Commercials

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Football: It’s a uniquely American phenomenon, from the game itself to the diehard fans. And this Sunday millions of Americans will flock to sports bars and house parties to watch the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers vie for NFL gold at Super Bowl XLV.

But the game itself isn’t the only reason why the Super Bowl is consistently the most-watched television event of the year, with roughly 100 million viewers. Nor is it just because people love an excuse to get trashed on a Sunday (though as a general rule, that’s almost always a good enough reason to do anything).

It’s also about the commercials—especially those featuring celebrities—which have become an essential part of the game day tradition, making the Super Bowl a must-see event, even for those “fans” who think football is just a fancy word for soccer. So even if you’re not from Green Bay (which no one is) or Pittsburgh (which no one admits to), you’ve still got a reason to tune in—and advertisers are banking on you doing just that. Continue reading →

PopEater: 8 Movies That Should Be Nominated for Oscars But Probably Won’t Be

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The countdown to the 83rd Academy Awards is on, with the official nomination press conference set for the early hours of tomorrow morning. As is the custom, bloggers and critics have been hypothesizing for weeks now as to which movies and actors will be recognized by the Academy. Everyone seems to agree that ‘The Kids Are Alright,’ ‘The Fighter,’ ‘Black Swan,’ ‘Toy Story 3,’ ‘The King’s Speech’ and ‘The Social Network’ will pick up several nominations, including Best Picture. Nods for ‘True Grit,’ ‘127 Hours’ and ‘Inception’ are also on the table. But what about the many standout films and performances that are likely to be overlooked by Oscar this year? Continue reading →