Category: Humor & Comedy

Citysearch: What Would the ’08 Candidates Drink? A Super Tuesday Special Report

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BESTPIX U.S. President Barack Obama Visits Ireland
Super Tuesday is finally upon us, and while a gaggle of legitimate news outlets will be focused on boring us to death with talk of “precincts,” “delegates” and “exit polls,” we at Citysearch are bringing you the kind of hard-hitting, no-nonsense reporting that really matters. Specifically, we’re investigating a question that is of the utmost importance when it comes to selecting a new leader of the free world: “What would the presidential candidates drink, and where would they drink it?”

So, if you’re wondering how Obama’s plan to get the hell outta Dodge (where by “Dodge” I mean “Baghdad”) compares to McCain’s plan to keep us there for another 100 years, I couldn’t tell you. And if you’re unsure of how Clinton’s plan to offer universal health care differs from Romney’s plan to withhold it, I just don’t know. But what I do know is that by the time the polls close on Tuesday night, all of the candidates, winners and losers alike, will be fiending for a liquid fix.

So here’s our take on what and where each of them would drink–if the cameras (and evangelists) weren’t watching.  Continue reading →

YRB Magazine Interview: Rapper Lil’ Jon

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Crunk Ain’t Dead.

February 14th is Valentine’s Day, also known as the easiest day of the year to get laid. You’ll still have to pay for it – but with flowers and chocolate instead of by the hour. Hey, romance might be dead, but take solace in the fact that like sweet crunk music, love is alive and well – just ask Lil’ Jon. We did, and here’s what the original dirty South rapper had to say.

JG: In “Lovers and Friends” you talk about “knowing a girl for a long time, but fuckin’ never crossed your mind.” Is that your definition of love?
LJ: Well, that was in the ‘friends’ context… . If you got a homegirl that’s your homegirl, sometimes you don’t never even think about crossing that line. That’s what that was about, just having a female that’s your friend. But sometimes, someone that you’re friends with, something might happen where you just look at someone in a different way, like, ‘Damn, this person been around me all this time, and now I see something else.’ When I first met my wife, I knew that was someone I wanted to be with. We was friends for a lotta years before we even started. And really, the friends in your life are the ones you end up settling down with, only because you known them the longest, you trust them the longest, they know everything about you, and they’re your friend.  Continue reading →

Citysearch: Places We’d Like to See Squashed by the Cloverfield Monster

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Cloverfield_movie_poster

Photo: Cloverfield hits theaters this weekend

Lady Liberty is just one of the New York City landmarks that takes a beating in the highly anticipated new monster movie, “Cloverfield,” which hits theaters today. From what I can surmise, the premise goes something like this: Young, fun-loving crowd of New Yorkers are at one of those cheesy parties where the hosts videotape their guests talking about how totally awesome the party is, when all hell breaks loose. Suddenly New York is under attack by a savage, futuristic-Godzilla-style monster. Chaos and massive destruction ensue as said monster proceeds to obliterate everything (and everyone) in its path, all but leveling the city. But every movie has a hero (although judging from the “Cloverfield” cast, that hero needn’t be a celebrity), and ours turns out to be one of the dudes who was at that party before all the madness began. Ultimately, that guy, whoever he is, leads a mission to defeat the monster, thereby restoring order and saving the city. 

With any luck, “Cloverfield” will deliver at least one good old-fashioned impaling–perhaps one that involves the Empire State Building needle, for example–but suffice it to say that there will be blood. So, at the risk of offending a broad spectrum of our audience, we’re paying tribute to this epic movie with a little hit list of our own: Places We’d Like to See Squashed by the “Cloverfield” Monster. Continue reading →

Craigslist Keepers: Post of the Century

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Future_boy

Tell your co-workers that you’ll be busy sending mass emails to everyone you know for the rest of the afternoon. 

Now, this is not even remotely related to anything we generally write about, but it just seemed inhumane not to share the above Craiglist post, which was placed on the Greenville, South Carolina, “strictly platonic” personals boards several days ago, but only just came to my attention. It says:

Wanted: Somebody to go back in time with me. This is not a joke. You’ll get paid after we get back. Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I have only done this once before.

Whomever conceived this is my new personal hero, and I am going to reply to the post and inquire as to whether I can accompany him on his quest in time back to the ’80s, when that whole high-top-fade-meets-mullet look was in vogue.

SNL Writers, Players & Andy Samberg Groupies Turn Out to Support Writers Guild

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It was a full house Monday evening at Comix where assorted Saturday Night Live writers and players both past and present participated in a comedy event to benefit the striking Writers Guild of America, East. In keeping with the trend of wearing your support for the writers on your face, “strike beards” were in full effect, and the overall mood seemed to indicate that no one expects to return to work anytime soon.  Continue reading →

An Evening with the Cast of MTV’s Human Giant

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Photo: Rob Huebel, Paul Scheer and Aziz Ansari are Human Giant

Ordinarily, the chances of me going out on a Monday night are nil, especially in this brick-ass cold. But with my television withdrawal giving me an increasingly nasty case of the shakes, I took the opportunity to check out last night’s sneak preview of the new season of Human Giant–the best thing to happen to MTV‘s comedy programming (or rather, MTV period) since The State— hosted by the Human Giants themselves.

As any proper night should, this one began with drinks. Various members of the press (editors and writers from Maxim, the NY Post, the Village Voice, ASCAP, Giant and other publications) assembled beforehand at West Chelsea haunt Half King, along with the show’s stars, Rob Huebel, Paul Scheer and Aziz Ansari, before making the troupe to the UCB Theater. Continue reading →

Product: Portable Beer Pong Table

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Meatheads, Yale-style

The only thing better than absurd drinking paraphernalia is absurd drinking-game paraphernalia, and nothing says “I’m a douchebag” quite like carrying around an inflatable beer pong table. Which is exactly why the $45 Portopong will make the perfect holiday gift for that special frat boy* in your life. As with most alcohol-related products–like the booze belt, another real gem–the Portopong is entirely practical to haul around town, you know, just in case you find yourself back in college. Then again, if you carry both the Portopong and an air mattress around with you at all times, you can play beer pong whenever you want without ever having to worry about where you’re going to pass out afterwards. Order now before the manufacturer jacks up the price due to overwhelming demand. Just kidding.

*Contrary to the scene depicted in the photo, this is obviously not a toy for nerds, but rather for the quarterbacks who torment them. It’s just that that photo was taken at a Yale tailgating party. Go figure.

Movie: The Brothers Solomon

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Will Arnett and Will Forte are the Brothers Solomon

The Solomon brothers want to put a baby in you, and goddammit they will, even if it’s the last thing they do. When their dying father expresses one final wish to have a grandchild, Dean and John Solomon (Will Forte and Will Arnett) must find a way to procreate, stat. And it’s not going to be easy. That’s because until now, they’ve grown and developed (or rather, not developed) in the social equivalent of a concentration camp: a remote arctic location where they were home-schooled by their father. Miffed to find that the ladies aren’t exactly swooning, Dean and John explore other options, such as kidnapping (“We were trying to coax that little girl into our car, but her mom’s being a real pain in the ass,” Arnett explains to the police) and adoption (“What is your return policy?”), before they find Janine (SNL’s Kristen Wiig) on Craigslist, and convince her to serve as a surrogate. Written by Forte and directed by the legendary Bob Odenkirk (Mr. Show), this late-summer gem has all the right ingredients for comedy gold.

Movie: Superbad

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-Popular Girl: "You know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours." -Fat Nerd: "The funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock."

Once again, director Judd Apatow (The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up) proves that good things happen when you combine a funny script with funny actors. Superbad tells the tale of Evan and Seth (played by Michael Cera of Arrested Development and Knocked Up’s Jonah Hill), two socially inept best friends and high school seniors who must make the most of their days together before enrolling at different colleges in the fall. With no social skills, less than no sex appeal, and nothing even resembling a cool bone in their bodies, the boys realize that if they want to make it as college men, they’re going to have to turn around their luck with the ladies – starting tonight, on the eve of their graduation. Not to be mistaken for a classic coming of age tale a la Stand By Me, Superbad is about as heartwarming as a funeral. But thankfully, it’s a whole lot funnier.

Alec Baldwin Loses Mind, Visitation

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Don't Cross Alec Baldwin

In a recording acquired by celebrity gossip site TMZ.com, actor Alec Baldwin leaves a message for his 11-year-old daughter Ireland (with ex-wife, actress Kim Basinger), in which he becomes enraged that she has failed to answer what was apparently a prearranged phone call. 

“I’m leaving this message with you to tell you that you have insulted me for the last time. You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being … I don’t give a damn that you’re 12-years-old or 11-years-old, or a child, or that your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about what you do,” says Baldwin, adding that he intends to fly out to L.A. later in the week “to straighten your ass out.”

In a statement released to Extra, a spokesperson for Baldwin didn’t deny the authenticity of the recording but accused Basinger of leaking the tape to the media in violation of a court order. Don’t blame Alec; it’s not his fault that he was provoked to the point of calling Ireland “a rude, thoughtless, little pig.” What else was he supposed to do? After all, he’s Alec Baldwin, and she’s just some snot-nosed, 11- (or 12-) year-old little brat who thinks she can just traipse around the playground, screening her famous father’s calls and being ungrateful.

Way to show your kid who’s boss, Alec. I bet right now you wish you didn’t have the most recognizable voice in Hollywood.

LISTEN TO THE FULL RECORDING: ALEC BALDWIN, FATHER OF THE YEAR

YRB Magazine Interview: Knocked Up‘s Jason Segel and Jonah Hill

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Image courtesy of NBC Universal

“Knocked Up is about a guy [Ben], played by Seth Rogen, who is starting a website, is kind of a slacker, who goes out to a bar one night and is lucky enough to end up back home with Katherine Heigl’s character [Alison], and what should have been nothing but a one night stand, next thing you know she’s knocked up. So it’s the story of the two of them coming to terms with the fact that they’re sorta stuck together,” says actor Jason Segel (How I Met Your Mother), who, along with Jonah Hill, Jay Baruchel and Martin Starr, plays one of Ben’s four roommates in this summer’s Knocked Up.

Jonah Hill offers a somewhat different take on the movie. “The plot is basically like Letters from Iwo Jima. We actually ripped off the same plot, and we just added a few ‘fucks’ every now and then,” he jokes, when asked whether there is more to the story than the title and movie trailer suggest. But Jason and Jonah (whose characters also happen to be named Jason and Jonah) do agree that what makes Knocked Up work so well is largely writer/director Judd Apatow’s approach to movie-making. Both have worked with Apatow before (Jonah had a small but memorable role in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and Jason starred in Apatow’s television cult classic Freaks and Geeks, among other things) and credit the success of his films with the fact that he trusts his actors enough to let them improvise. Continue reading →

Crazy Japanese Fun Time Yum Yum Candy Explosion!

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Crunky Fun Time!

Regular readers may have noticed my recent obsession with Japanese goods and trends. And while I’ve tried to kick the habit, it’s really an insurmountable task as long as I continue to stumble across products like the Crunky Walking Bar. There’s nothing particularly special about this delicious treat, other than the fact that IT IS CALLED THE CRUNKY WALKING BAR. That is all.

 

 

15 Seconds of Lame: SearchWithKevin.Org

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Photo courtesy of the Kevin Federline fan club (Yes, there really is a Kevin Federline fan club)

Step aside, Google. There’s a new search engine in town, a special search engine, one endorsed by a celebrity. Now, you’re probably wondering, “Is it James Earl Jones? Or Kelsey Grammer, perhaps?” Guess again. SearchWithKevin.com is the official brainchild (hey, at least it’s not another real child) of Hollywood Z-Lister Kevin Federline. It makes sense, really, because who but K-Fed possesses the authoritative, commanding, trustworthy persona to successfully launch a site designed to be a viable alternative to Google? Kevin, we’ve gotta hand it to you – the fact that you actually thought this would be a good business venture is kind of adorable, and it almost makes us like you (where by “adorable” we mean “unbelievably idiotic” and by “almost makes us like you” we mean “definitely makes us hate you”).


WWW.SEARCHWITHKEVIN.PRODEGE.ORG

Product: The Human Vending Machine

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Insert Coin Here.

Just when we thought the products coming out of Japan couldn’t get any cooler – or, as the case may be, mind-blowingly useless – we came across the Human Vending Machine. Much to our dismay, no Human Vending Machines could be reached for comment, but evidently, the product is a cross between a vending machine and a newsstand, with the added benefit that, in this case, the vendor happens to be a pretty young girl rather than a smelly old man or a metal contraption. And at the end of the day, when it comes to buying a newspaper or a pack of cigarettes, isn’t that all that really matters?

 

Super Size Me: Hamburger University

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Illustration by Brian Romero for YRB Magazine

In the days of old, if your greatest aspiration in life was to work behind the counter at your local fast food restaurant, all you needed was a basic grasp of 6th grade arithmetic. But what if you want to aim higher, and say, work your way up the line to a management position at McDonald’s? Then you’d better think about applying to college. And not just any college: Hamburger University, or, “McDonald’s Center of Training Excellence.” Since 1961, Hamburger University in Oak Brook, Illinois has been serving up more than tasty Big Macs – a super-sized order of education is also standard fare. HU boasts on-site interpreters able to communicate in 28 languages with the 5,000 members of its diverse student body, and a curriculum that features a combination of intensive classroom instruction, “lab” activities, and so-called “computer e-learning modules.” Hamburger University: It’s like Yale meets the United Nations. (Except that it’s not at all like Yale. Or the United Nations.)