Citysearch: Bars That Make Me Wanna Kill Myself

(Photo: This girl loves Pacha! I hate her.)

Thirty-year-old frat boys who confuse Murray Hill with Sigma Chi. Hedge fund douche bags who refer to the Hamptons as “The ‘Tones.” Brainless girls in Jessica Simpson brand stilettos who are about 20 pounds too heavy for that dress. Staten Islanders. These are a few of my least favorite things. And you can find them all at these five bars.

Tonic: The only thing worse than Tonic East, this Times Square spot is like the seventh circle of hell disguised as a sports bar.

Bar None: I used to go to Bar None all time. When I was in high school. That pretty much sums it up. But just in case you need more, it’s a popular destination for sailors during Fleet Week and hobos at all times–and if they don’t get you, the skanks will.

Dorrian’s: This is a great bar to meet a one-night stand who you won’t ever have to call again. Other than that, it is to be avoided.

Continental: There is one single reason why anyone has ever gone to Continental, and that is because it serves five shots of anything for $10. I’m a perpetually broke alcoholic, and you still couldn’t get me to go there without a roofie and a blindfold.

Pacha: Just because it works in Ibiza doesn’t mean it works in New York City. ‘Nuff said.

(A version of this article originally appeared on

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