Category: New York

6 Jokes That Didn’t Get Me a Job Writing for Weekend Update

1 Comment

Seth Meyers was pushing for me. Or whatever.

Each fall, before the start of a new television season, Saturday Night Live accepts submissions from comedy writers looking to write jokes on a freelance basis for Weekend Update. To my knowledge, pretty much anyone can apply; the only prerequisite is that you know who to contact in the writer’s room. They generally respond to every inquiry, and the guidelines are fairly straightforward:

We would like you to write a total of 10 jokes based on news stories the occurred between September 6th and September 15, 2011. We are interested in seeing how you write for current events. We do not want old material. Also, please do not submit more than 10 jokes. To help you, I am enclosing a couple of pages of set-ups. You are not limited to the stories from these set-ups, but any stories you use must have occurred during the stated time period.

We are looking for solid, traditional monologue jokes. I.E. Two line jokes. Set-up followed by a punchline. We do not want Daily Show style rants. Please do not send in bits, shorts sketches, or anything involving other cast members. Do not submit jokes with multiple punchlines. They will count as separate jokes.

If you are accepted, there’s no guarantee that anything you write will ever make it to air. In fact, there’s a strong possibility that it won’t. But you still get to say you’re a freelance joke-writer at SNL, and that plays better on a résumé than “dog walker.” I have no idea of how many people typically apply, and even less of an idea of how many are accepted. I wasn’t. In fact, I was rejected in record time, just hours after emailing my submission. So, just in case you’re wondering what not to do, here are a few of the jokes that didn’t get me a job writing for Weekend Update.   Continue reading →

Citysearch: Best New York Bars for a One-Night Stand

Leave a comment

Thank god for alcohol, without which no one would ever have gotten laid–least of all that snaggletoothed disaster sitting at the bar. But after a few car bombs, she starts to look pretty good, and soon it’s off to your place. But not every New York bar is conducive to meeting Mr. or Ms. Right Now. Where to go when you’re on the market for a good old-fashioned, no-strings-attached one-night stand? These six bars, where the pretenses are low and the odds of scoring are high.  Continue reading →

Citysearch: New York Bars I’ve Fallen Down In

Leave a comment

Every true drinker has woken up at least once to discover a bruise or drinking-related injury from the previous night. Me, more than others. Since the day I turned 18–er, 21–I’ve displayed an almost magnificent tendency to drink, slip and fall, and I’ve done it at bars across New York City. Why am I telling you all this? Because I’m drunk now, obviously. But seriously, watch your step at these seven bars, or you could end up like me–and as my parents can confirm, you really don’t want that.  Continue reading →

Citysearch: Party Like It’s Spring Break

Leave a comment

Photo courtesy of The Big Easy

It’s nearly mid-March, which means that if you’re a college student, you’re probably getting ready to spend a week with 10 other hoodlums, holed up in some beachside shanty, soaking up moderate quantities of sun and lethal quantities of booze, in honor of that great American pastime known as spring break. Well, guess what: Even if your undergraduate years are over, you needn’t dip to Tijuana to partake in the sort of lewd, depraved behavior pictured above. There are plenty of bars where even the most respectable professionals you can experience the thrills of spring break–from the alcohol poisoning to the scantily clad girls–right here on the Isle of Manhattan. Here they are.

Tribeca Film Festival: Inside the “Baby Mama” Premiere

1 Comment

Moma_partyThe Tribeca Film Festival is off to a strong start, with the stars turning out for last night’s world premiere of “Baby Mama” at the Ziegfeld. We were in attendance at the official after-party, held at the Museum of Modern Art, which could have been mistaken for a “Saturday Night Live” reunion. In addition to Lorne Michaels and “Baby Mama” stars Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, guests at the MoMa included a long list of present and former cast-members, like Jimmy Fallon (who eventually left the party with former “SNL” player Chris Kattan), Rachel Dratch, Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen, Molly Shannon and even Chevy Chase. But the superstar of the evening was Steve Martin, who sauntered in wearing a panama hat, spent most of his time at a table with Lorne and Chevy and later departed without obliging the fans who were waiting outside for an autograph. (That said, Martin’s role in “Baby Mama” is much funnier than the rest of the movie.) Continue reading →

Oh, Snap! Equinox vs. The Catholic League

Leave a comment

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Evidently The Catholic League is none too pleased about Equinox‘s latest ad campaign, which depicts a series of sexy, fairytale-esque scenes shot by Ellen von Unwerth. In particular, they take issue with the hot nuns with exposed legs sketching the hot naked dude with exposed everything. The ads aren’t in rotation in New York yet, but will be making their city-wide debut forthwith. In the meantime, Equinox is more than happy to exacerbate the situation by giving New Yorkers a sneak peek of what it has in store for our local magazines, billboards, and subways by displaying the new ads in the windows at three of their locations (50th Street, 19th Street and Greenwich Avenue), from now through Friday.

I belong to one of Equinox’s competitors, so I can’t say I know for sure what their clientele is like. But I can say that my gym is filled with fatties and old people, and if I ever once had to look at someone like the models above while “running” my 12-minute mile, I’d either kill myself or kill them. To be fair though, while these ads don’t necessarily make me want to join Equinox (or ever leave my apartment again, for that matter), they do make me want to join a convent and take up sketching.

Citysearch: Places We’d Like to See Squashed by the Cloverfield Monster

Leave a comment
Cloverfield_movie_poster

Photo: Cloverfield hits theaters this weekend

Lady Liberty is just one of the New York City landmarks that takes a beating in the highly anticipated new monster movie, “Cloverfield,” which hits theaters today. From what I can surmise, the premise goes something like this: Young, fun-loving crowd of New Yorkers are at one of those cheesy parties where the hosts videotape their guests talking about how totally awesome the party is, when all hell breaks loose. Suddenly New York is under attack by a savage, futuristic-Godzilla-style monster. Chaos and massive destruction ensue as said monster proceeds to obliterate everything (and everyone) in its path, all but leveling the city. But every movie has a hero (although judging from the “Cloverfield” cast, that hero needn’t be a celebrity), and ours turns out to be one of the dudes who was at that party before all the madness began. Ultimately, that guy, whoever he is, leads a mission to defeat the monster, thereby restoring order and saving the city. 

With any luck, “Cloverfield” will deliver at least one good old-fashioned impaling–perhaps one that involves the Empire State Building needle, for example–but suffice it to say that there will be blood. So, at the risk of offending a broad spectrum of our audience, we’re paying tribute to this epic movie with a little hit list of our own: Places We’d Like to See Squashed by the “Cloverfield” Monster. Continue reading →